Grief Rituals During the Pandemic: A Coast-to-Coast Conversation
Image used with permission from Black Maple Trading
One day last week I was settled in at my desk at the crack of dawn, when I would normally still be deep in slumber. I’d been invited by CBC radio to participate in a series of rolling interviews with morning shows across the country.
The thing about living in a huge country with six time zones is that, in order to reach Newfoundlanders as they were waking up, I had to be ready for my first interview before the sun rose here. From 4 till 7am, I took one call after another from seven different shows. That’s mighty early for me but, truth be told, the timing was perfect: my kids were asleep and the house was quiet. For the first time since the beginning of the pandemic, I did not receive one single request for a snack or a show for three blissful hours!
Grieving rituals during the time of a pandemic
The interviews centered around grief and mourning during the time of a pandemic. CBC had noticed, as many of you (if you’re in the habit of reading the obituaries) might also have, that most families are opting to make funeral arrangements “at a later date when we can physically gather”. I was there to emphasize that just because we can’t physically gather right now in the ways that we normally would, it doesn’t mean we should do nothing right now.
What we do impacts how we do
As social beings, our desire and need as humans to honor our dead runs deep. Doing nothing to mark a death in community in the early days and weeks after your loved one’s passing necessarily means this basic need is not being met. This is how people risk getting stuck in an intense period of mourning for an extended period of time. In order to begin setting out on a path to healing, our grief needs to move. Rituals can help us do that.
Creative responses offer comfort
During a pandemic, when there are strict guidelines enforcing limits on gatherings, it takes some creativity and flexibility to meaningfully connect mourners so they feel supported while remembering and paying tribute to their loved one.
Simple things can have a deep impact. A few ideas include:
Participating in story-telling memory circles over Zoom,
Cooking your loved one’s favorite recipes and sharing a virtual meal together,
Writing songs or poetry that reflect your loved one,
Inviting the deceased’s community to share their reflections on a Google Doc, answering questions such as: How was my life impacted by this person? What will I most miss about them? How will their memory continue to inform how I live my life?
The things we do in the early days to meaningfully bear witness to each other’s grief and honor the life of a loved one will provide much-needed comfort now to those left behind.
Take the time now to create a meaningful tribute later
The ways we ritually support each other through loss despite physical distance do more than offer comfort to those who need it now. If done well, they also have the potential to inform and shape a powerful and poignant memorial gathering at a later date. By giving you the time to reflect on your person’s life and legacy in an unhurried way, you are able to begin teasing out the patterns and symbols that reflect their unique essence. These are key ingredients to creating a memorial ceremony that truly reflects the values, beliefs and personality of your loved one.
I’d love to hear your ideas for marking the death of a loved one now, while waiting to hold larger gatherings at a later date.
Please share in the comments below.
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If you have recently lost a loved one and would like some help in navigating this difficult time through meaningful ceremony and ritual, please feel free to connect with me.
Credit: Emma Love Photography
AUTHOR: KARLA COMBRES
As a Legacy Guide & Celebrant, I help individuals, couples, families and organizations make the big and small moments in life count, and shape their legacy along the way. I offer:
Drawing on my vast experience as a Life-Cycle Celebrant and in working with people at the end of life, I am uniquely qualified to help people move through transitions meaningfully and to think about how they want to leave this world so they can live better now.
I’m based in Saskatchewan, Canada and serve clients worldwide. Read more about me here.
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